REASONS WHY I WILL BE STRUCK DOWN BY LIGHTNING

1. I laughed at the TIVO of Marie Osmond fainting on Dancing with the Stars. Laughing isn't really the right word. I GUFFAWED. I scared the dogs it was so loud. That woman went down like a ton of bricks. BOOM!!! Just like one of those goats that drops when it gets the crap scared out of it. I'm sure she was mortified and really, she did handle it with a lot of grace and class, but damn, it was funny. Because NONE of the judges MOVED!!! Sure, everyone in the audience was silent and stunned, but the judges--they just quit judging.

2. This is actually my sister who is going to get hit by lightning, but I was sitting close enough that I may get burned. I know all the old church songs. I paid attention in church when I was a kid, but most importantly--I READ THE HYMNALS. This was an issue at some point when I got in trouble for reading the hymnals (THEY DON'T HAVE PICTURES don't ya know). So when my niece was christening many years ago--I was singing and not looking at the hymnal. But I knew the words. My sisters whispers "What the HELL! How do you know all these songs?" I whispered back "You said HELL in church! Jesus don't like that." But because that was 13 or 14 years ago--maybe he's forgotten.

3. Another church, sister and me story. I'm glad Jesus has sense of humor. Sister and I went to Christmas Eve church at some random church I found near them that had a service at 7 and not midnight. They had candles on the pews (for the candlelight portion of the service) and they were skinny little white candles stuck in those plastic champagne glasses--evidently so that we wouldn't burn ourselves when the wax started melting. We picked up our candles/champagne glasses and waited. The church was pretty full and pretty soon, this rather LARGE woman and her rather LARGE daughter rumbled into the pew in front of us. And sat down. Without picking up said candle/champagne glass. That's right, Mama sat right down on top of it. And it was LOUD. My sister started laughing and nudged me. I tried to give her the stink eye, but she was having no part of it. THEN, the daughter realized that there were candles/champagne glasses on the pew and made her mom move. This is the lightning strike part. The mom had the candle/champagne glass stuck to her polyester pants and I mean that plastic was in SHARDS. My sister and I were shaking we were laughing so hard and then Sister says "She's gonna be picking plastic out of her ass for a week".

That was it. Every time we looked at that woman, it would set off new fits of laughter. Plus, my sister said ASS in church

4. My parents live in a house in Arizona that has an "Arizona" porch, which means they enclosed the porch and made a living room out of it. The original sliding glass door is still there though. My mom had closed the door so my dad could go to bed. Only he didn't know that and he came back through the bedroom to say goodnight to us and WHAM!!! Ran right into the sliding glass door. Shook the whole effing house. Now that was funny enough--but he had just put lotion on his face--so there was a greasy face print on the door. I really really shouldn't laugh at my dad--he's 91 now and he was about 81 when it happened, but oh my god--IT SHOOK THE ENTIRE HOUSE. Even now as I'm typing this--I'm howling with the memory of it.

And those are the reasons I will be struck by lightning.

Some randomness--I love NCIS. I love the character of Tony Denozo (or however you spell it). I AM the character of Tony--except that I'm female. Last night--all I could do was laugh because it was like watching myself.