THE POP TART THEORY

Every time I go to my professional organization's quarterly board meeting, I swear I learn shit that I wish I'd never known. About people that I then have to spend 8 hours in a meeting room with. Of course this is funny shit and worth repeating. The first thing I learned is that guys are REALLY proud of themselves in the morning. Then I learned that they would appreciate a heated toilet seat--something about shrinkage hurts?

Then I learned that someone likes to get the paper nekkid in a hotel and really doesn't give a crap about who sees him. My dinner group asked only that he not bend over if we are in the general area. This same guy also related that he was the only unneutered male in his home. His wife was with us and I, in fact, questioned whether or not this was really true. He related the story about his male cat who got declawed and "deballed" all in the same day and how he was limping around (the cat, not the guy) and couldn't decide what to lick first. This guy also told us that if he every showed up with no fingernails and a sore ass, we would know what happened to him. I digress.

The most important thing I learned was the Pop Tart Theory. This theory was presented by the only other single woman in the group and here it is: If you have someone "over" and you don't want them to stay (because evidently if you fix them breakfast, they won't leave), keep a basket of pop tarts by the door and hand 'em one on their way OUT. "buh bye--thanks for coming, here's your pop tart".

And evidently, there are RANKINGS as far as pop tart flavors go--one of the participants in the conversations felt that if he did a really good job--HE should receive a brown sugar cinnamon pot tart. I suggested that because the strawberry milkshake tart tastes like ass--that would be for well, not such stellar performance. It's best if you keep said basket by the door becasue then you can keep the flow moving forward. You don't want it to stop once it starts because if you have handed out the strawberry milkshake tart, you definitely don't want THAT one lingering around any longer than he (she) has to. I should have handed the ex-Pita that strawberry milkshake tart a long time ago. I can also think of some that have EARNED the brown sugar cinnamon tart as well.

My point-and there is one--is that given my recent dating experiences, I will not be buying ANY pop tarts ANY time soon. It just isn't worth it.