MY 90 YEAR OLD DAD fell off a ladder this weekend and broke his hip. Only to hear HIM tell the story, the branch the ladder was leaning against broke, causing both HIM and the ladder to fall. So technically, he did NOT fall off the ladder. Did I mention that about 10 years ago, my mom told him that he was not allowed on ladders any more? Yet, he still has that ladder. Well, not any more. My sister confiscated it on Saturday, the day of the alleged accident. He told my mom that he was going out to rake leaves. His version of raking leaves involves climbing a ladder and poking the rake up in the tree that sheds said leaves and knocking a bunch more loose. I have myownself witnessed this.

Now this is the kicker. I asked him if the ambulance took him to the hospital and he said, No, your mom drove me. I asked him how the hell he got into the car with a broken hip? He said the 2 neighbors helped him. I asked, well, didn't that hurt a lot? He said, No, I didn't know I was broke then.

I asked him--so did the pain get a lot worse when you found out you were broke? He said, well, yes, it hurt a bit more.

My old man is tough. No wonder I don't bitch until I get miserable. It's genetic. He's only broken one other thing in his 90 years. His foot--when he was skiing and he had to drive a VW bug (standard tranny) back to Denver from A-basin. That's tough. I've had to do that before. Not a 1958 Bug (or whatever year it was--I just know it was pre-me).

He had surgery yesterday and he said he was doing fine. I got the story about how he was not to blame in this mess--rather the tree branch that broke. Oh, and he was starving because he hadn't gotten anything good to eat. My sister told me about the lovely chicken broth that he had in front of him and he said it was the best he'd ever eaten. I called bs on him. But I'm glad he is doing well. The doc said he should be playing golf in 3 weeks. The doc also said that he is in excellent shape for a 90 year old. I guess it does pay to get off the couch every once in awhile.

Good thing I'm just like him, in both temperment (stubborn) and athletic ability. Oh and I can blame inanimate objects for causing me harm--just like him. But I think I will actually give up ladder climbing before my 80th birthday. Don't want to press my luck.

UPDATE: I was working a safety conference this morning and the OSHA booth was right next to mine. They have a "quick facts" card on portable ladder safety. I am soooo sending it to my Dad.

IF IT WERE POSSIBLE, I WOULD KICK MY OWN ASS somedays. I'm just having a moment here and would like to kick my own ass. Oh, I know there are plenty of people who would be more than happy to do it for me, but frankly, I get my ass kicked by strangers every day (well, my boss) and I'm kind of sick of it. My boss is friggin' clueless about my worth to this company and I'm tired of it.

I'm not in a bad mood or anything, but I'm feeling unappreciated and deadlocked. Not necessarily in my personal life.

But in order to lighten this up--the latest in my dating life. I had been emailing back and forth with this guy and then I got busy. Really busy. On vacation, had my parent's here, on a business trip and trying to plan a conference. Lots of things on my plate. I finally got some time this week. He sent me this email that said "Hey, what's going on! You kind of disappeared" I replied, "I'm really sorry--I have just been really busy. Will you be around this week? Again, I'm really sorry, I'm usually not this bad (and I explained all that had been going on)" I got back this response "I'm no longer interested. I deserve more consideration"

Well, excuse the phuk out of me. Apparently, my role in his life would be to give him my undivided attention at all times and screw the fact that I have a busy professional life. There are people that I would give my undivided attention to at all costs. Someone I have never met/spent any time with--not so much. NEXT!

DISCLAIMER:

"I agree and acknowledge that I am undertaking participation in VPPPA events and activities as my own free and intentional act, and I am fully aware that possible physical injury might occur to me as a result of my participation in these events."

This was sent to me by one of my professional colleagues. He also sent me the following:

"Umm, we're a safety excellence organization. It amuses me that National feels the need to include this. Now, if "drunken sack races" was a scheduled event, I'd see the reason for the disclaimer. I'd also be the first to sign up"

Now frankly I agree with him. We're supposed to be safety professionals and you'd hardly think we needed reminded about this shit. Except that safety professionals generally cut loose a whole lot more than most folks and are generally "unsafe" (see blog about I AM A SAFETY PROFESSIONAL, then ask me about my scars) I found out the real reason for this disclaimer was that a couple of people got "rolled" in New Orleans. Well, if you're effing stupid enough to be out in a bad area by yourself--well, I'm just sayin.

Now when we had our conference in Dallas, we did have a mechanical bull injury--a couple of them actually. Those people shall remain nameless (Bob and Kevin--oh come on--you knew I was gonna tell you who they were) and the injuries were fairly minor, but mechanical bull riding whilst drunk could be one of those activities, much like drunken sack racing, that should have a disclaimer. Of course, being safety professionals, we don't think those disclaimers apply to us--only the not-so-experienced safety person. And they probably have enough sense to steer far away (no pun intended)

SOMEONE WAS READING ONE OF THOSE INTERNET JOKES ABOUT COLORADO a while back and one of the things was about the seasons--before winter, winter, just after winter and road construction, or something like that. Today's rant is about "Road Construction". It sucks and I hate it. I work off a major interstate, but have to take backroads to get to work--unless I want to go 20 miles out of my way to get ON the interstate. If one way is effed up by construction, then I can go another way--7 miles longer, but I can still get to work in about 30 minutes.

Well--BOTH ways are effed up by construction. The shorter of the two has a light timing problem. They reconfigured the effin' lights which backs traffic up about 4 miles. The other way they are installing sewer pipes and one way is completely closed so I don't even have THAT choice in the afternoon. I'd like to know who plans this shit. Because they obviously have no grasp of blocking off both ends of the same road at the same time. Dumbasses. It gives me a headache. And we are just starting "Road Construction" season. bah.

SOMETIMES GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY DESERVE some happiness in their lives.

It's not my story to tell, but I have certainly felt joy from it. Sometimes you just have to feel good for someone else. I hope things continue to go well for this person. I hope they never doubt the way I feel about them. In case they don't remember--you are my favorite, that hasn't changed. We've gotten through some pretty tough things over the past 6 months. That should tell you that I'm loyal. You're my favorite and you don't have to worry about my feelings for you. When you are ready to hear more, you know my number.

A FEW MORE WORDS REGARDING OPENING DAY

I love it, but I don't love it in person. A bunch of dumbasses usually attend Opening Day (and by 'dumbass', I mean the people who don't actually WATCH baseball on a regular basis, but think it's 'cool' to go to Opening Day and say they went.

Me? I'm tivo'ing the Detroit Tigers v. Kansas City and I hope Dmitri Young hits 3 home runs like he did last year and I hope Pudge drills someone at second and hits 4 RBIs. Yep, I love Opening Day.

Now some words of advice: when you go to the ball game, please do not get up and down 400 times. There are people who actually WATCH the game and you will annoy them with your excessive movement.

There are certain areas of the ball park that get a lot of foul balls (off 1st and 3rd base especially). You better be watching or you might take a ball off your head, face etc. It will be extremely funny to those of us who know to watch.

Beer makes you pee. See request #1.

Never eat anything with the word "extreme" in the title. It only leads to "extreme" gastro-intestinal issues. I speak from experience. I'm just saying.

If a ball hits a foul pole in the outfield, it is a home run.

The infield fly rule is complicated. It was created to do away with easy outs. Here it is: If there are runners on base (and some will say that the bases have to be loaded) and there are less than 2 outs and the infielder can catch the fly ball with ordinary effort, the batter will be out. The runners may advance at their own risk (and I have actually scored a run like this because the short stop didn't know the rule)

This should provide you with some basic knowledge of the game. I will have commentary as the season progresses.

AN OPENING DAY PRAYER

Dear God,

We give thanks that another baseball season is upon us and we pray that opening day across the board has sunny weather and no rain outs and no hour long lines for beer (psffft--sure, that one's gonna happen). We pray that since the Boston Red Sox and the Chicago White Sox have each won a world series recently, that it is the Chicago Cubs turn now.

I ask you to smile down on Pudge Rodriguez and give him the best season ever and that his batting average will be .350 this year and that he is not pestered by those 15 years in the majors, ie hip flexor injury, broken hand bones etc. I'd like to see him win one more World Series ring before he retires.

I pray that Barry Bonds is busted for steroids use so that he doesn't touch Hank Aaron's home run total. Barry is such a prima donna, he doesn't deserve the recognition.

I pray that Carlos Pena finds a team to play on since the Tigers released him last week. and I also pray that Jim Leyland has a successful year with the 'cats so that they are contenders for a championship. I pray that Mario and Rod, FSNDetroit, have lost their filters again so that they will keep me howling with some of the stuff that they come up with.

I pray that all players play without getting hurt this year. I pray for a lot of suicide squeeze plays that work (but only for my teams) and for the Yankees to be humiliated this year with all their high dollar players.

I pray that the Colorado Rockies do not suck too badly this year, although because they do suck, it makes it easy to get tickets.

Lastly, as a personal favor to me, God, I pray that you make it so that the Yankees never win another world series. I only root for 2 teams, the Tigers and any team that beats the Yankees.

Amen.