REASONS I AM GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK

1. I know a big secret and all I can think of is CAGE MATCH. This may seem random--but it's funny as hell because I weigh 130 pounds and think I can open a big can of whoopass to make this happen. Something about old age and treachery???

AS OF TODAY, WE ARE ALL IN FIRST PLACE

This is a sad day in the life of Ballz. Baseball season is officially over. Softball season is officially over. I took my bat bag out of my car last night and hung it up. Had a moment of silence and made a note to self about buying new cleats next year.

While I do not really follow the Rockies--they are my home town team and I was pretty impressed that they made it to the series. Because with a week to go in the regular season--they weren't going to get there and then look what happened. They won 21 out of 22 games. That feat alone earns my respect. I'm not reallly fond of Boston. I think they are a bunch of prima donnas. Yes, they won the series--good for them. But according to the media--they won the series 2 weeks ago. So what was the point of making us die in Colorado because the computer system crashed and we couldn't get tickets. Hell, the media should have just given them the trophy and said the end.

Which brings me to my point. As of today--we are even. Every team is in first place and when they report on February whatever (the 13th or 14th) for spring training, they all have the same dream. The pennant chase.

Yesterday was a first for me. The last softball games of the season and it was 70 some degrees. That's right. We played our last game without 14 layers of clothes and no snow. The first game was 20-9 (us) and whoever we were supposed to play on the second game forfeited (Sounds like someone had World Series tickets), so it looks like we took 2nd in the league. Over the years, these people have become my friends and so it is sad to say goodbye until April. But goodbye it is and I settle in for the winter and wait for those magic words in about six months. PLAY BALL!!

THE WORLD SERIES

Yes, my hometown team is playing (The Rox). Yes, they got a can of whoop-ass opened on them last night, but for GOD'S SAKE--THERE ARE STILL SOME GAMES TO PLAY!!!

Damn people--it's not like I own the team. I don't really care. I'm really proud of them for getting there because they have sucked for years and they played their hearts out for the last month of the season. 7 and 0 in the playoffs. It would really be appreciated if the media could at least let the series be played before proclaiming Boston the best team ever. They're a bunch of a-holes from where I sit.

REASONS WHY I WILL BE STRUCK DOWN BY LIGHTNING

1. I laughed at the TIVO of Marie Osmond fainting on Dancing with the Stars. Laughing isn't really the right word. I GUFFAWED. I scared the dogs it was so loud. That woman went down like a ton of bricks. BOOM!!! Just like one of those goats that drops when it gets the crap scared out of it. I'm sure she was mortified and really, she did handle it with a lot of grace and class, but damn, it was funny. Because NONE of the judges MOVED!!! Sure, everyone in the audience was silent and stunned, but the judges--they just quit judging.

2. This is actually my sister who is going to get hit by lightning, but I was sitting close enough that I may get burned. I know all the old church songs. I paid attention in church when I was a kid, but most importantly--I READ THE HYMNALS. This was an issue at some point when I got in trouble for reading the hymnals (THEY DON'T HAVE PICTURES don't ya know). So when my niece was christening many years ago--I was singing and not looking at the hymnal. But I knew the words. My sisters whispers "What the HELL! How do you know all these songs?" I whispered back "You said HELL in church! Jesus don't like that." But because that was 13 or 14 years ago--maybe he's forgotten.

3. Another church, sister and me story. I'm glad Jesus has sense of humor. Sister and I went to Christmas Eve church at some random church I found near them that had a service at 7 and not midnight. They had candles on the pews (for the candlelight portion of the service) and they were skinny little white candles stuck in those plastic champagne glasses--evidently so that we wouldn't burn ourselves when the wax started melting. We picked up our candles/champagne glasses and waited. The church was pretty full and pretty soon, this rather LARGE woman and her rather LARGE daughter rumbled into the pew in front of us. And sat down. Without picking up said candle/champagne glass. That's right, Mama sat right down on top of it. And it was LOUD. My sister started laughing and nudged me. I tried to give her the stink eye, but she was having no part of it. THEN, the daughter realized that there were candles/champagne glasses on the pew and made her mom move. This is the lightning strike part. The mom had the candle/champagne glass stuck to her polyester pants and I mean that plastic was in SHARDS. My sister and I were shaking we were laughing so hard and then Sister says "She's gonna be picking plastic out of her ass for a week".

That was it. Every time we looked at that woman, it would set off new fits of laughter. Plus, my sister said ASS in church

4. My parents live in a house in Arizona that has an "Arizona" porch, which means they enclosed the porch and made a living room out of it. The original sliding glass door is still there though. My mom had closed the door so my dad could go to bed. Only he didn't know that and he came back through the bedroom to say goodnight to us and WHAM!!! Ran right into the sliding glass door. Shook the whole effing house. Now that was funny enough--but he had just put lotion on his face--so there was a greasy face print on the door. I really really shouldn't laugh at my dad--he's 91 now and he was about 81 when it happened, but oh my god--IT SHOOK THE ENTIRE HOUSE. Even now as I'm typing this--I'm howling with the memory of it.

And those are the reasons I will be struck by lightning.

Some randomness--I love NCIS. I love the character of Tony Denozo (or however you spell it). I AM the character of Tony--except that I'm female. Last night--all I could do was laugh because it was like watching myself.

THERE COMES A DAY IN EVERYONE'S LIFE WHEN THEY WANT TO SCREAM YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

And for me, that day was today. Well, today was the latest day that I have screamed that. First, the world series ticket fiasco. Really--I don't mind watching it at home--too many people who do not belong at baseball games will be there and way too many of them. But it would have been cool to say I actually got to go.

Second--well, I can't really go into details, but let's just say that my floor mate at the office has taken away my scissors and swingline stapler. BUT, I still have my knitting needles. I did manage to come away smiling, however.

WHERE ARE MY LISTENING EARS?! I have lost them g. dammit and I don't want them back. I have lost them along with my sensitivity and ability to not say everything that's on my mind. I have lost them along with my indoor voice. Maybe never to be seen again.

My eyeballs are stuck from rolling them so much and I have a bruise on my forehead from slamming it on to my desk.

Why oh why do they not make the old fashioned phones that you can actually slam rather than be disconnected digitally? The most effective substitute for this is to hope you have a metal desk, therefore having metal desk drawers. Empty said drawer, throw the receiver in there and close and open the drawer in rapid succession. The receiver rattles around in there, creating quite a noise. Or so I've heard.

I'M A LITTLE MANIC right now. I am not manic/depressive, but I am in a manic phase right now and cannot slow down. It's kind of annoying.

Rockies Rock! That's all I'm gonna say about that. Mainly because I'm a superstitious bitch--especially when it comes to baseball. I played an entire year with a rip in my softball pants because we were winning. We went undefeated on both teams that year.

But I AM wearing my Rockies Purple today. Had to completely change outfits, but I feel that I must.

It may be a cold series. There was a foot of snow in the mountains on Sunday. I hope we sweep.

TODAY'S LIFE LESSON: There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

ROAD KILL IS, AFTER ALL, ROAD KILL NO MATTER HOW High or Low the road is.

At some point, when you are Oh and Two (0-2) in the count--no balls--you've got to take a pitch or two and take your own destiny in your hands. And if you have to take the semi-low road--well, so be it.

And you know what--I feel good about it, because I am right and a quiet dignity is all I need to maintain right now. Sometimes you come out on top simply because you didn't say everything you wanted to. Because someone else is gonna say it for you.

So for the first time in over a month--I am in control again. I am the boss of ME and that is what is necessary. I have friends ready to kick ass and build patios on my behalf. They have become MY PERSON--all of them and they will remind me that I will rise above.

As a side note--I was getting my hair done on Saturday by a woman who has been my friend for years. I told her of the drama that is my life and we managed to find many amusing things about it. Then she asked me what I was doing that night and I told her she would be jealous of me. I mentioned knitting and she seemed rather taken aback. I said "Are you surprised that I know how to knit?" She replied "NO! I'm scared! Do they not realize that you will have sharp pointed objects in your hand and will take an eye out if necessary?" I really hadn't thought of it that way, but she has a point. No pun intended.

COULD THIS JUST GET ANY BETTER? I am of course referring to I love NY 2. And Midget Mac. When I first saw the cast picture, I thought, Oh my hell--he is not long for the show. But I just LOVE him!!! He is funny and intelligent and he was very respectful of psycho Sister Patterson. She was a shit to him--but he never once lost his cool. I hope they keep him around for a long time.

Okay--people--it really doesn't pay to get all impatient in your car. Especially the car I can see in my rearview mirror. Because I will just laugh at you. I live in a fairly small town. If a train comes through at rush hour, it screws things up for awhile. There is an intersection that has a sign AND painting on the intersection that says "Keep Intersection Clear". This is to allow traffic from the side road to be able to make a right hand turn onto the main road. So I was the first car behind the line that said "Keep Intersection Clear"--leaving about 50 feet between me and the car ahead of me. Just like I was supposed to. The lady in the car behind me was fit to be tied. You could tell that she wasn't from around these parts. I mean, she was flat out pissed that I wasn't moving up. And I just kept watching her get more pissed. She was going to make it through the light. It's long winded. Those of us that live there know that. The guy to my right stopped where he was supposed to, but the idiots to my left--jacked up the intersection. A pox on them.

My point, and I do have one, is that you shouldn't really act out in public in your car. We CAN see you and we WILL make fun of you at some point.

BRONCOS SUCK. Actually, they would have to improve a WHOLE LOT for them to suck. I have been a fan for 30 years. It's kind of expected when you live in Colorado. This past Sunday was absolutely the worst game EVER. Even the Super Bowl losses weren't this crappy. 'I' could have played better--even with my not quite perfect shoulder. suckitellyou.

On the other hand, the Rockies are awesome. I haven't had season tickets for about 5 years because they weren't really a team that I followed on a regular basis. (unless Pudge comes to play for them, I probably won't) HOWEVER, they are on a roll and I don't really have another interest in the World Series race this year, except that I hope the Yankees get beat. But I always hope that. So anyway--I'm pulling for the Rockies-hometown team and all.

Trainwreck TV--Rock of Love is over. The girl I liked won. I wanted her to win, but I didn't want her to end up with the hasbeen. Oh, my bad, the lead singer from Poison. That was crazy at its best and tonight--I Love NY2 starts. That woman is crazy. I've never understood wearing regular bras under halter tops. Well, she almost had to because her girls hung to her knees. And YET, she had more added to them. That one guy, Tango, I liked on ILNY1. He didn't deserve that kind of crazy and it was a fabulous moment in my life when he dumped her on the reunion show. I sure wish Jes could have come up with something better than she did when she dumped Bret. At least she wasn't stupid enough to get a damn tattoo.