THE NEWS YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!

I caught that little snicker bar thieving, carb loading bastard of a mouse yesterday. I got home from my 5K and went to feed the dogs. I moved the trap into where the dog food was because I needed the counter space for my Kitchen Aid mixer (more about that later). I set one of the dishes on top of it and I noticed some movement. I looked closer and there he was!!! He was alive and of course, I got all icked out when I had to move the trap into the garage. He looks pretty D-A-I-D this morning, but I don't really care. I gave him every opportunity to leave my home peacefully and he chose not to. I'll let you know as soon as one of the guys empties the trap this morning. Yes, it's true. I transported the little effer to work so that someone else can open the trap and get rid of him.

Okay--now for the Kitchen Aid mixer story. I told someone that I would bake cookies for them, even though I hadn't baked cookies for about 20 years. I haven't really liked anyone enough to go to that effort for awhile now. I bought a Kitchen Aid mixer about 3 years ago and never opened the box. I figured now was as good a time as any. To make a long story short--I am in love with the Kitchen Aid. WHY OH WHY did I not open it sooner!? OMG, this thing made cookies so easy and I must say--damn they were good. I had to test a few--you know--to make sure they were edible? I'll give you the official report as soon as I get it. They are being mailed off today.

The crappy thing that happened yesterday--my kitchen sink backed up and omg was it gross. I had to go to KMart on the worst day of the week to go to Kmart, Walmart etc to buy a plunger and drain cleaner. After I dumped the drain cleaner in, I read the directions "DO NOT USE ON STANDING CLOGS" Well, shit. Tried the plunger--didn't do a thing. Off to the grocery store to buy more drain cleaner. After I got home with it, I decided that mixing 2 drain cleaners was not a good idea, so I called a plumber. He got there within 30 minutes, got the stupid thing unclogged and charged me $236.

The best thing that happened yesterday (other than the mouse being caught) was I did a 5K. Big deal, right? Well, just before the 2nd mile marker, I passed a guy that I have never beat before. I stayed ahead of him until almost the 3rd mile and he passed me. Now here is the cool thing, at the finish line, he turned around and waited for me to finish (I wasn't that far behind him) and he shook my hand and said Good Race. That has never happened before! Racewalkers are typically very supportive of each other, but that was very cool. I came in 2nd and got free entry into next week's race--pretty nice, considering the entry fee is $23. After paying 10 of those--the free one is a good prize.

SOME THINGS ARE JUST PAINFUL TO WATCH.

I'm speaking specifically of Dancing with the Stars. Master P in particular. He sucks. There isn't even a nice way of putting it.

Normally, I play volleyball on Thursday nights, but my neck is really stiff and I feel like I'm getting a cold, so I stayed at home last night. It's tough to play volleyball when you can't look up. Anyway, Master P and his partner attempted the Paso Doble. Now I'm familiar enough with ballroom dancing to know that this is a difficult dance, but when it is done well--you pretty much need a cold shower when it's finished. I digress. Master P looked very much like a guy that I went to high school with when he danced. I swear to God, the man had NO rhythm--neither the guy I went to school with NOR Master P. I had my Detroit Tigers hoodie on and ended up doing a Kenny from South Park because I just couldn't watch it anymore. It was like watching Andre the Giant break dance or something like that. Gack! I want to hide under my desk and cover my eyes just thinking about it.

I truly love a good trainwreck and this was it. They scored 8 out of 30 and believe me, that was effin' generous on the part of the judges. One of the judges said, "People think they are doing you a favor by voting for you and keeping you in the competition, but they're not" Word.

I'll be tuning in to the results show tonight, just to make sure that Master P takes his final bow! Morbid curiousity requires it of me.

I AM LOVING LIFE RIGHT NOW

It just goes to show you that once you take control over shit that's making you unhappy and make a change--EVERYTHING changes. Granted, my change was massive--got rid of a PITA that was making me miserable, buying my own house and basically starting over again, but crap, even a small change is guaranteed to bring you some happiness in your life. Don't like what you have had for breakfast everyday for 20 years--have something different--what's stopping you. Don't like the brand of underwear you've worn for 20 years--there's no law about throwing it all out and starting over.

I just want to breathe in my life right now. I love being able to wear a huge t-shirt to bed with boxers that don't come close to matching, just because it is comfortable and I've been having some pretty spectacular dreams while wearing said shirt. I love being able to crash on the couch immediately after dinner with my two dogs and talking about how bad the singers are on American Idol (and I use that term loosely). I love how Simon is a pure asshole on American Idol and how much he laughed last night. I love getting a text message first thing in the morning that was sent after midnight last night, just because someone was thinking about me. I love being able to play volleyball twice a week without having to explain why. I love being able to see my friends without having to justify it.

Most of all I love getting up in the morning without feeling that elephant on my chest, back, head or wherever else he would plant his fat ass. I love being able to take a deep breath without wondering when the other shoe would drop. I love being able to have feelings for people that I would not have been able to have feelings for had I stayed in that miserable relationship. I love being able to get my snark on without having to apologize. My dogs don't give a crap and I'm pretty sure that they feel the same way.

Make a change. Take a chance. Have some faith. I've got your back.

YOU DON'T MAKE 100 PERCENT OF THE SHOTS YOU DON'T TAKE. We can thank Wayne Gretzky for that little gem. I actually quoted this phrase to someone about 6 months ago, and the results changed my life. For the good. I'm repeating this phrase a lot today because there is a phone call I HAVE to make.

I like people who can say what's on their mind. You always know exactly where you stand with them. Nothing is a surprise and that can be a good thing. It's good to have friends on the receiving end of that truth as well. You can say pretty much anything to them and they're not gonna get their thongs in a knot because they know that you are speaking the truth. Here is my truth for today, there are people I like and people I don't. Both sets know who they are. Whiners generally belong in the second group. Bitchers, when they are justified and shut up after they are done, belong in the first. I got a text message last night about a whiner and frankly, all I could think was "Why the hell do you let people get to you like that?" The TM'r will know exactly what I mean! She wasn't the whiner. It was someone else. Why can't whiners be more like bitcher's and when someone pisses them off, give them a hearty "EFF YOU" and walk away? Maybe it's just me.

I'm just happy right now. My insides are happy. I can breathe again. The whiners can't even bring me down.

My friends are exceptionally funny right now and that makes it worth getting out of bed.

PATIENCE AND I generally cannot be mentioned in the same sentence. Oil and water, gasoline and fire--I'm just sayin'. So having been forced by the Universe to shut the hell up and sit on the sidelines has really been a trial for me. I'm almost ready to explode.

I'm getting a little relief this weekend. And it's probably going to help for a while, but I'm gonna need to find a hobby after that initial high is gone.

Which brings me to my point. Someone told me that they liked reading my blog for the unadulterated snark found here. And it occurred to me that I haven't been very snarky lately, so here goes.

American Idol--I love Simon. Simon and I are the same person. Who the hell told some of these people they could sing. Or dress. My favorite this season has been the Paris Hilton wannabe, whose mom is as big a train wreck as she is. There is such a thing as OVERTANNING!!! I swear to God, she looked like an OOmpa Loompa (the original version--not this year's piece of crap). Or the 2 rocket scientists who were on there last night. My favorite was the entrepensture (entreprenuer) who first of all, couldn't remember his advertising slogan and then came up with "Paradise Cleaning--when you come home, your house looks and smells like paradise". Effing genius. Then he tells the other rocket scientist that it was a tongue twister to say but he liked it that way. WHAT? And don't get me started on that yellow thing he was wearing, complete with matching hat.

I love the audition rounds almost as much as I love the show. There is a lot to be snarky about there.

PEOPLE WHO ASK FOR THE SAME ADVICE OVER AND OVER AGAIN--a particular pet peeve of mine. If you're not gonna take it the first 24 times--don't effin' ask me again because I will be forced to tell you how g.d. stupid I really think you are. Put on your big girl (boy) panties and take care of it. We've already told you how--just effin' do it! Jesus Christ--how many times you gotta hear it?

I could get carried away with the snark today, so I'll take a little breather and be back next week. I'm pretty sure that I will have something to say.

KISSING AND MAKING UP

At some point, you have to give up being mad. You have to come to the point that you realize there is something big missing because you are mad at someone and put that out there for them to see. They need to know WHY you got mad (finally), but they also need to know that you are willing to start to fix what went wrong. Life is too short to be miserable. Or even the least bit unhappy.

Tell someone you have been at odds with you are sorry. It doesn't matter who's right, does it? What matters is that, at one point, you were friends and you miss them and they probably miss you too. Don't make it hard on each other for this reconciliation. Life is hard enough as it is and you don't get out of it alive.

UPDATES on everything from Dear Jackass to the mouse.

The mouse is still not dead; however, I don't know that he is even still living in my house. I haven't seen "evidence" of him since I took his snicker bars away. The other night I was on the phone and I heard the "hockey puck" trap snap--LOUD. So I thought I had finally killed the little effer. It took me awhile to get up the nerve to go into the kitchen to check on it. First I had to find something to sweep the trap into--I couldn't find my dust pan, so a big ass cardboard box had to suffice--and a softball bat. Peeked around the corner and the trap definitely looked askew. Got a little closer and the effin' thing had self destructed!!! And no dead mouse. CRAP!!! I'm down to just the industrial trap now, which is baited with a piece of chocolate.

Did y'all read about the idiot in New Mexico who caught a mouse and threw it on a pile of burning leaves? Then the mouse ran back into the house and caught the house on fire and it burned to the ground? First--I'll bet that little effer is dead now. Second--it just goes to show you--you really should beat it to death with a Windex bottle before tossing it out. The rodent really is a vengeful little creature, isn't it? I don't think it's karma.

2nd update--next year, I'm going to resolve to give up on giving up on cussing. Actually, I'm doing pretty well. I don't consider saying "effin" "effer" etc an actual cuss word. I am working on the other words as well.

And finally, the Dear Jackass letter. I was pretty pissed that day and I really don't hate the jackass as much as I said I did, but my feelings are still pretty hurt and I am still pretty disappointed in him. But at this point, there's nothing more I can do, so I have pretty much given up on it. I just don't feel a whole lot of anything at this point about the entire situation. It's hard to like someone when they don't like you back.

So at this point, I'm just living my life as I want. I have friends that did something so incredible for me that I will be forever in their debt. I enjoy each day for what it's worth and I am trying to make the most of my time on this earth. I am remembering to tell my friends that I love them whenever I talk to them and that I can't wait to see them. Most of all, I am trying to remember to laugh at myself. Someone once told me that you never get out of this life alive, so you might as well laugh while you're here.

HEROES

Not the sandwich kind, the people kind. I'm not sure I spelled it right, but I'm talking about the kind that you admire (and maybe that is the sammich for you).

I'm talking about my friend the Marine today. Will Rogers said "Not everyone can be a hero. Some of us have to sit on the sidewalk and clap as they walk by."

My friend is a hero in my eyes. In about 6 weeks, he will be in Iraq for 7 months. He is a hero to his son and his family and his professional colleagues. He may not think of himself as a hero, but he is. He is serving his country with pride and representing all of us. He is brave and compassionate and some days, I wish I were more like him. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for him.

I already miss him and I will miss him every day until he gets back home safely. And when he gets home, there I'll be. Sitting on the sidewalk, clapping.

Semper Fi. More than you will ever know.

WELL, THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG.

If you follow this blog at all, you will know that my one New Year resolution was to quit cussing (again). That one lasted until 11:10 am on January 2. I was putting something together and had to take it apart twice because I had a piece on backward. That elicited a chorus of the eff word out of my mouth. Just because I was aggravated. REALLY aggravated.

Like a good queen, I confessed my eff up, I mean, my screw-up to my nearest and dearest friends and one of them commented "Well, if no one heard you--isn't that kind of like the forest/tree thing?" I hadn't thought of it, but yes. If no one hears you but the dogs--it doesn't really count.

I started out 2006 with a 5K. Best time I've ever put in (33.52). Remember, I racewalk, so 33 minutes is pretty fast. The fastest I've ever RUN a 5K was 31.05, so I'm closing in on that time. So if my resolution was to be healthier--took care of that one.

My dating life still continues to be a source of amusement--to me even. One of the men who posts on the message board I frequent commented that he was glad that he wasn't dating anyone on the board--he couldn't take the stress of the play by play commentary. I replied to him "But Charlie--I don't ever talk about anyone I actually LIKE!" He did have to concede that point.

The latest is that one of the guys is very proud that he "lets" his kids bring over the family dog on the weekends. But she is confined to the laundry room and backyard. I don't like that at all. My dogs have the run of the house. Yes, there is dog hair on the furniture and if it bothers you that much, I have several lint rollers. But in my opinion, no outfit is complete without some dog hair. If you are that fussy, I can guarantee, we won't get along that well.

I'm also starting off the new year with PMS. That may or may not be a good thing. So far, no one has said or done anything stupid, but it is early.

Happy New Year to you. May it be filled with prosperity and love. You can create both, but for God's sake--don't settle because you think you're obligated.