DID YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS where you wake up and want to rip someone's head off? Well, that's me today. I have the feeling it's hormonally based, as much as I don't like blaming my moods on that. I have a headache and a bunch of snot in my throat and I just don't like it. I probably will be laying low most of the day or some innocent person is gonna get the crap beat out of them verbally. Good thing I'm playing volleyball tonight. I can take out whatever is bugging me on the white ball.

Speaking of people with no class (stay with me here--when my moods are on the roller coaster, my mind takes nearly as many switchbacks and turns), I went to the theater on Saturday afternoon--the matinee. My friend and I saw Mamma Mia. We had each seen in before, but it was a really fun show, so I got tickets when it came back. My friend and I discussed what we were wearing and we both decided to wear jeans. Crap, it WAS a matinee and the show is kind of casual anyway.

So we were standing there waiting to go in to the theater and this little girl, probably 10-11 years old, who had a DRESS on, made a comment to either her mom or grandma about those girls wearing jeans and SHE WAS LOOKING RIGHT AT MY FRIEND AND I! The comment was made with disdain (even for an 11 year old) and THEN her older female relative turned around and gave us the same look! My friend couldn't believe it! I said that we had 2 choices--either tell the little girl to mind her own damn business and that her purse didn't match her outfit OR pull her hair real hard so that she knew we meant business.

AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT, I allowed a friend of mine to sign me up on 'Loser.com' (not really--just don't want to say what the name of it is), an internet dating site. She begged and pleaded and cajoled me into it because she doesn't want to be the only one suffering through it. I was doing fine on my own and besides, baseball season is about to start and I don't really want to be dating anyone during baseball season. It's too hard to explain why you want to spend 90 hours a week watching games on MLB extra innings.

ANYWAY, I let her do up a profile for me and the next thing I know, I have potential dates in my email box. I look to see what my choices would be and CAN YOU EFFING BELIEVE THIS--my ex-PITA was one of them. After I finished guffawing and choking on my coffee, I promptly deleted the email. Next thing I know, there is an email from "someone who is interested in you". I must say, curiousity got the better of me and I opened it. I hope y'all are sitting down. IT WAS MY EX-PITA. I'll wait until you quit laughing.

Of course, he knew it was me by my profile. My friends do know me well and I do live in a small town. He proceeded to call me a chicken for not putting my picture on the site (it hadn't loaded yet) and that I must be bored to be doing this and if I wanted to go dancing why didn't I just say so and if I ever came to my senses I should just call my former boyfriend and we could start going out again. DID HE MISS THE PART WHEN I TOLD HIM I HATED HIM AND NEVER WANTED TO SEE HIM AGAIN? yes, he must have.

So I call my friend and here is our conversation:

"Hey girl. It's ballz"
"Hey sistah, what's up"
"I just wanted to tell you how much I hated you"
"WHY"
I proceeded to tell her what had happened and after she stopped laughing, she said, "I am SOO SORRY! You want me to phuk with him?" Oh hell yes. Right after I made her promise to delete my profile. Which by the way she has done. Besides, there is someone who is first in line, should I ever choose to be in a relationship again and it's someone who deserves to be loved and respected and not be put through hell in a relationship.

In the meantime, however, I will continue to report on horrible instances such as this because I know y'all think it's absolutely hysterical that I be put through this. By the way, before my pal deleted my profile, I blocked the ex-PITA so that he can't ever email me again. Trust me--that was only Fate having a little laugh at my expense and giving me the opportunity to be the bigger person. I'm glad Fate had a laugh. I actually did too, once I took a bleach shower and got all the ex-pita funk off me.

I KNOW Y'ALL ARE GONNA BE SOME JEALOUS BITCHES. just look at my waffle belt buckle. That sumbitch could be used as a weapon. I think it weighs about 10 pounds--but oh MAH GAWD--WHO ELSE HAS ONE!? I am tickled by the thought of someone sitting around thinking 'Now what would be a great idea for a pewter belt buckle? I KNOW! A WAFFLE--WITH BUTTER PATS!" BWAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAA! I'm sorry, but this is funny. My friends say I'm too easy to buy for. I also got a shirt that says "Your boyfriend wants me" It is the companion piece to the "Hold my beer while I kiss your boyfriend" shirt.

This weekend, the cuss button was on. I am having to really concentrate and not say eff and bitch and all the other words that I said all weekend. But let me tell you--I came home feeling refreshed and ready to get done what needs to get done in the next 3 months. Hope y'all can keep up.

I'M OUTTIE!

That's right, I'm packing up my snark and taking it on the road to Jackson, MS along with a crapload of my best friends. I'll spend the weekend, getting my snark on with the people who mean the most to me and then I'll come home and sleep for a week.

And it is not a moment too soon. If I don't get a break from work, I will be tempted to cut someone's nuts off and hand them to him. And yes, I'm speaking of a real person in my world.

My dogs are headed to the "Manor" where they will be spoiled royally by people who love them as much as I do. And I will be spending time with the people who care most about me.

See ya and by that I mean--next week.

I AM A HUGE FAN OF TRAIN WRECK TV.

And yesterday's marathon of "Flavor of Love" provided me many hours of laughs. See, it was cold and snowing and I got up extra early and cleaned house, so rather than be constructive, I plopped my ass down on the couch at noon and started watched the aforementioned train wreck. What a hoot! That Flava Flav is a strange little man and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to be mackin' on him--ever, if you know what I mean.

But he had 2o girls hanging all over him and this one broad--Red Oyster--was a world class snitch. He kept saying how he didn't like rats in his house but that she was just looking out for his best interests. First of all--she was looking out for her best interests and second of all--there ain't no bigger rat than a snitch.

Then he has Pumkin--the token white girl. Who fought a lot with "New York", the girl who LOVEDDDDD Flav. OMG--I was getting to the point that if she didn't shut the hell up, I was gonna slap her. I couldn't believe her! My favorite scene was when she and the other "finalist", Hoopz were standing there at the end in the same damn dress--crap, I hate it when some skank ends up in the same dress as me. Anyway--she made it a point to tell Hoopz that she and Flav (the male skank of the show) got "intimate". Swear to God, this is the word she used. Hoopz was all over that one and said something about if New York had to spread her legs blah blah blah and New York came back with "We didn't F***, we made music!" BWHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHA!!! Holy crap, I was lucky I didn't fall off my couch and hurt myself.

I really have no point to this, except to say that shows like this can be extremely entertaining when you hate all the characters involved and you really don't give a rat's behind what happens to any of them. Especially when your other option is to just take a nap, which I found time to do as well.

IT MUST BE SOMETHING IN THE DAMN AIR.

I just went to our purchaser and asked her to buy some fine point sharpies. I don't like the fat ones. I DO like medium point ball point pens though--but only the blue, clear bic pens. I'm really fussy about that. I got my own box when I first got here and I still have about 1/2 of them. I am the only one who uses them here. Everyone else likes those stupid gel pens that smear everywhere.

I digress. I asked her for the fine point sharpies and she took the fat point one I had out of my hand, looked at me and said "Sons of bitches". BWHAHAHHAHAHHAHAA! I effin' know how she feels. I said the same thing about something yesterday and I believe I cussed myownself out this morning over a mistake that I made.

Everyone on my message board is crabby as well, over a lot of stuff. Mostly twits and trolls which have a tendency to get on your last nerve any way.

I really got a kick out of one of my friends telling a "nose picking little kid" to "sit down you little shit". I honest to Gawd want to grow up to be Martha Jean. That woman makes me laugh like no other.

We were sharing our most embarassing stories yesterday and I of course relayed the dirty text message story that was intercepted by a DAD. It doesn't matter that both parties are over 40. It was still embarassing. One of my other friends posted that she was accidentally effed by a garden gnome. Only she used the real eff word and the story had me howling. Seems she fell off her porch directly onto the pointy hat of her garden gnome. I almost wet myself. That's how you know who your real friends are--they will tell on themselves for YOUR entertainment.

WAFFLE WORTHY

This is a corellary to the POP TART theory. If you are a guy, you definitely want to be waffle worthy in my world. Waffles have a special place in my life. They have become a huge inside joke and the general meaning is if I invoke waffle status (As in--MADAM, WE MUST ALL HAVE WAFFLES FORTHWITH-from the Ladykillers) you know that means something is beyond great. My friends (otherwise known as "The Coven"--deemed so by one of my off and on favorite men) have designated 2 men in my world as "waffle worthy". I didn't even get to do it. But I concur with the designation. I'm not even talking the suckass Eggo variety either. I'm talking about me getting out my very own waffle iron and making waffles from scratch type waffles. That's a hell of a man in my opinion--that I would be willing to go to that much trouble for.

One of these waffle worthy guys was informed of his status and his damn ego got so big, I think I'm gonna have to put him on Eggo status until his opinion of himself improves.

UPDATE ON THE DATING SCENE:

I've been seeing "Cheesecake Factory Guy" for awhile and he has now managed to irritate the crap out of me for no apparent reason. He seemed nice and he was easy to talk to, but there was absolutely NO chemistry. One of the main issues I had with him is that he did not like baseball, nor did he like any other sport. There's gotta be something effing wrong with you if you don't like sports. Well, maybe I should say--I dated a guy once who hated sports and there was already a girl in the relationship--me. I knew that nothing serious was going to develop with CFG simply because he told me that he would not sit down and watch a baseball game. We all know what I think of that. A couple of weeks ago, we went out to dinner and I ordered a beer. I swear to God, he almost sprained his ass, his sphincter snapped tight so fast. He then made the statement "Well, I don't drink, but I guess I don't mind if you do." What the phuk? I didn't realize he was my MOTHER, who wouldn't have said that in a million years. She would have said--have 2--you had a rough week.

Anyway--CFG made another inane remark in an email about 2 days ago, which really kind of sealed the irritation factor thing for me. One of the ladies I eat lunch with asked me why he was so irritating. The only thing I could think of was this:

"He's kind of like the scab on my lip (from the dog bite). It almost gets healed up and then I knock it off and it's really annoying. Then it happens again and you wonder if the sumbitch is ever gonna heal up and quit irritating the crap out of you. By the time the phuker is gone, you're awfully glad it is, because it won't irritate you any more."

She knew exactly what I was talking about. He is neither Pop tart NOR Waffle worthy.

THE BEST PHONE MESSAGE I HAVE EVER GOTTEN is as follows:

"I AM HAVING A PERSONAL CRISIS HERE AND YOU ARE OFF IN (fill in state name here, intentionally deleted to protect the parties involved) ON A DAMN BOOTY CALL."

I almost wet myself when I got that message, I wish I would have thought to save the stupid thing just to replay when I needed a good laugh.

I myself have left the following message 'GET OFF THAT MAN! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU SO JUST STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND PICK UP THE PHONE!"

I have also received 'WAS IT WORTH IT?'

The reason I am yelling on these messages is because, in fact, the people leaving them WERE YELLING.

This is why I love my friends so much. They get right to the point. They don't eff around with the general small talk. They just get to the point. Seems like a good way to communicate. That way there is no mistake in your intention. Know what I mean?

THERE ARE SEVERAL UM CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES that I have to drive by occasionally. One is down the street from where I work (a county jail) and one is in the town I live in (also a county jail). On the interstates near these facilities, there are GINORMOUS signs that read "Correctional Facility--do not pick up hitchhikers".

Well, doesn't that just go without saying?