NO, THERE'S NO LIQUID IN THAT BOX, and other adventures in lying.

This past weekend was my annual Christmas Card swap. I have done it for 5 years now. The woman who used to do it found herself in the middle of Katrina, so a friend and I took over for her that year, because we hated to see the tradition die. Then the next year, something else happened, so we asked if we could do it again and this woman graciously turned her baby over to me.

So each year, it seems like there is a "theme". It may be unofficial, but it shows up. Most of the theme consists of sending me likker and chocolate along with the handmade cards. Yes, I had some people who did not follow that rule this year, but most sent along something for me. This year, I got enough travelers to last me through all but a week long blizzard. Y'all remember me not having any alcohol, a recently surgicalized shoulder and a snow storm that took me 3 days to shovel out of. The important part of that sentence is no alcohol and being stuck in a house with only percocet to put me out of my misery.

So this year's theme was "Prison". It's a very long story, but in order to provide continuity, my peeps have found a prison message board that provides hours of entertainment. The cards this year were the best since I've been doing the swap. And so was the alcohol, I might add.

One friend, the Procrastinator, got her package to the PO on Wednesday. They were due to me on Friday. The post office person asked her if there was any liquid in the package. The Procrastinator says--nooooooo, it's those glass bulbs with the liquidy stuff in it. Then she leaves me a voice mail that says--I CAIN'T EVEN LIEEEE RIGHT!!!

So the package gets there and it is a heavy one. As soon as I picked it up--even "I" could tell there was liquid in it. The sumbitch SLOSHED!!! So curiosity got the best of me and I opened it. It was a 1.75 L of PRE-MIXED White Russians. THE BIG BOTTLE!! Which immediately went in my fridge to chill so I could have one with dinner. She said she sent the PRE-MIXED to keep in the spirit of her slack assed Christmas cards. And her cards made me laugh--even though I gave her the best idea ever. Which she forgot.

So the cards are all sorted and ready to mail. but I have to BEG someone to send me one of their cards. I figure that since I host, that they shouldn't be making extras for me. But there were a couple that are fridge worthy.

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS.

That white shit coming out of the sky? IT'S SNOW, PEOPLE!! We live in Colorado and it is an annual occurence. Why you gotta act like it's the first damn time you've seen it? Last year? Remember the 41 inches we got just before Christmas and it didn't stop until about April? Yep--part of living here. Doesn't make it suck any less.

Let us now discuss your driving skills or lack thereof. DAMMMMNNNNN!! It's like 45 MPH snow, not 15 MPH snow. You, lady in the Honda, are the reason that people end up on the side of the road in a hefty bag. And while we are discussing dumbasses on the road, let me get my 2 cents in about CDOT. I understand that it costs a lot to run a snow plow or those things that spray that nasty brown shit that keeps the roads from getting slickery, but helloooooo? Every tv station called for snow and after last winter's little surprise--41 inches not 6--I would think that y'all would be just a TAD more prepared and have some of those guys on the road instead of NONE OF THEM.

I had forgotten just how exhilarating it is to step out on to my very steep driveway when it is icy. HOLY CRAP! That'll wake you up quick.

I'm thankful that I have made the choice not to strangle anyone this morning and I am thankful for the people that are in my life that are positive and get what a dork I am. I'm thankful that my parents are in relatively good health and that the rest of my family is bearable. I know there are a lot that spend the holidays with a bottle just trying to get through them. Most of all--I am thankful for the people who come here and read and say--I know just what she means. Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

I'm a little incensed today. Mostly because I saw a commercial for Kohls that advertised they were opening at FOUR FUCKING AM ON FRIDAY. That's just insanity. INSANITY. Who gets up that early unless they have to. FOUR!! WHATEVER. Most other places are opening at FIVE!!! Not a whole lot better in my opinion. People have lost their bloody minds. A few years ago--SIX was their early opening and they gave goody bags for those stupid enough to drag themselves out of bed that early. My sister and I did it just for fun. We really didn't need to shop but the goody bags held a certain allure. They were pretty good as I recall.

I'm unimpressed with the Denver Broncos this year. As a matter of fact, I only pay attention to the games to see if my football pool numbers won. And last night--they did. 3 quarters worth. I am now WAY ahead in the football pool cash thing. I have to win 3 quarters throughout the year to break even. Actually this year, because we are only doing 14 pools, I was ahead by $10 as of last week. Now I am ahead by $160. And I really kind of needed it. It's been a challenging fall and I look at it as God's way of saying that I will not be struck by lightning--at least for another week.

WELL, NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING.

I'm pretty sure of it. Yesterday, I saw a couple walking their pidgeon. The bird, not the crazy language you hear in Jamaica. The kids and I were just coming back from our afternoon constitutional and I hear this woman saying "good boy! come on!!" I look to see where the dog is and it's a damn bird. Every time the woman would say good boy, come on--the bird would follow her. Why oh why would you want a sky rat as a pet? It looked like it was just your everyday run of the mill pidgeon. Nothing special. Would just as soon crap on you as look at you.

I spent a while pondering the pidgeon as a pet thing and decided it was just beyond my scope of understanding.

FRIDAY RANDOMNESS

Alas, I am the guardian of the Ugly Loser Monkey once again. My second player got voted off last night (He was a dumbass anyway and I don't know HOW he lasted this long). I swear--you'd think that some of these people had never seen Survivor. I hate that skinny little skank Courtney. Someone needs to feed her a sammich.

My sister thinks the ULM should be shipped to the Broncos. I agree. But I think my office mates might get miffed since that is the booby prize in Fantasy Survivor. I also play Fantasy Survivor online and Fantasy I love NY2. Just because it's fun.

I am running with scissors and not playing well with others. Not really, but I'm breaking the dress code. I have crocs on today. They are the new style--Troika--so they don't really look like the typical crocs because they are more "winter" in style. Crocs are against the dress code. We'll see if someone says something to me.

Well, here's some news. My boss has evidently removed the stick from his ass. I just got the production schedule and there is Thanksgiving related clip art of a turkey and Happy Thanksgiving. I thought the other woman on our floor did it. She told me no that he had said that she said that he wasn't festive enough. I've worked for the man almost 6 years and would have to agree with that statement. Then he goes and puts clip art on the production schedule. This year end is looking up.

PEOPLE! IT'S NOVEMBER 8! MONDAY WILL BE NOVEMBER 12.

Why am I being Captain Obvious? Well, because I just heard that the radio station I listen to in my office is going all Christmas on Monday, November 12. I am mildly disturbed by this. I like Christmas music. Just not before Thanksgiving--which by the way is a holiday I could do without. Don't like the food--just like the days off. If I had people to cook for--it might be different. I digress with my randomness.

Back to Christmas music. Back a year or so ago, I had a post regarding the music I hate--Pretty Paper, Christmas Shoes etc. My friends have rather vitriolic comments to make about said Christmas crap. I just think it is too early.

One of my holiday traditions is to create the Bad Bunny Productions Presents Christmas CD for my friends. They have all said they love it. However, someone talked smack about my current favorite Christmas Song--I farted on Santa's Lap. That's the song--not something I did. This song reminds me of someone that I thought a lot of. I still think a lot of them. But none of it is nice at this particular moment.

Anyway--I have threatened that the 2007 BBPP CD will be nothing but that song. You really don't want to piss me off because I will spend months coming up with a way to make you miserable. Again, more randomness.

HOWEVER, I have a couple of songs that haven't been used prior and they are really wonderful songs--one of them I have only heard once and it's just one of those songs that makes me move in my seat. I'll be putting some gospel on there and one of the true classics "I'm gettin nuttin for Christmas".

And to the original point of this post--WTF PEOPLE!!???? It's NOVEMBER!!!

UGLY LOSER MONKEY

Meet the Ugly Loser Monkey. This thing gives me the creeps. Let me tell you the story behind ULM. Every year, one of the groups where I work hosts a White Elephant/Dirty Santa Christmas exchange, wherein, you bring some crappy present that you don't want (think "Eggstractor" or something equally as useless. You draw numbers and then pick a gift. You can either keep your gift or you can "steal" one from someone else. So it really pays to have a late number in this game. A couple of years ago, there was a big beautiful gift bag that no one would take. So it was the last one left. The woman who got it pulled out all the tissue paper and ULM was in the bottom. I almost wet myself I was laughing so hard. It was the best crappy gift ever. Turns out someone's son had seen it in a friend's mom's trash and asked if he could have it for his mom. And she put it in the crappy gift exhange.

Now the second part of the story about why I was in possession of it. We play Fantasy Survivor at our office. We each draw 2 Survivor contestant names and when they get voted off, if you have their name, you have to have ULM in your office until the next week. At the end of the season, the winner gets lunch and a prize. It's kind of fun and breaks up the mundane.

So now that I have a picture of ULM, I'm thinking I should award the Ugly Loser Monkey prize to any assmonkey I think deserves it. The first winner is my dog, Elvis. I gave him a haircut yesterday and he was so mad at me, he took the post haircut cookie and spit it out and then went out and sat in the yard and pouted for 2 hours. Just stared at the house and sulked. Wouldn't even acknowledge us. It was kind of funny, but he still gets the ULM prize.

HANG ON. I'VE GOT A BAG OF DOG SHIT IN MY HAND.

Okay--this is not something I would utter on an every day basis. But it was true. A professional colleague called me on my cell phone after I was home and I was doing dog poop patrol. I had just come inside so that I could go to the garage to put it in the trash--which was being picked up the next day. My cell was ringing crazily, so I answered it with Hi--hang on. I've got a bag of dog shit in my hand.

After I threw the bag into the garbage can, I got back on the phone. My colleague said "You know, I don't think I've ever been told that before." Well, he just hasn't caught anyone in their backyard cleaning up dog poop yet. Pretty much, there are no secrets in my brain. Most people know exactly what I am thinking at any given time.

I got a picture of the Ugly Loser Monkey and I will post it hopefully sometime this weekend. I'm thinking of giving an Ugly Loser Monkey award to the various assmonkeys that I encounter in my life. When I post the ULM pic, I will tell the story of how the ULM came to be. The thing actually gives me the creeps.

SIIGGGGHHHHHHHH.

Some days, I just don't want to get out of bed. Today it was mostly because bed was warm and outside bed was 24 degrees. (not in my house, but you get my point)

Have you ever divorced a friend? Because they did something so heinous that you just couldn't even be civil to them anymore? Well, this situation really isn't like that, but said "friend" is about to lose me out of his life.

This friend is the Poster Boy for Bad Decisions (hereinafter PBBD). Most of the time, his Bad Decisions did not directly affect me per se. However, the latest Bad Decision affects me big time and it affects me enough that he doesn't need to speak to me, maybe ever again. PBBD doesn't seem to think anything is wrong with his behavior. Ballz thinks differently. PBBD keeps making the same kind of Bad Decision over and over again. Isn't that the definition of insanity? That you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result?

Anyway--the latest round of bad decision making may cost him me. At the very least, I should send him the Ugly Loser Monkey currently sitting in my office for getting voted off Survivor last week. I will bring my digital camera and take a picture of it.